Blackhole
by ManlyTears
Summary: She was a girl who hated everything. He was a boy who hated everything. Within their hate, they somehow found love. A rewrite of Twilight, but with more lulz. 100% more readable.


**She was a girl who hated everything. He was a vampire who hated everything. In their hate, they found love. It was a match made in hea-- the mind of one psychotic Mormon who has never actually read a vampire story, nor watched a vampire movie, nor looked up anything on Wikipedia.**

**And somehow... **_**it became a national bestseller.**_

**This is their story.**

**~Generic disclaimer goes here.~**

**Thankfully I do not own Twilight, or anything related to it. I'm only aiming to make it better. Somehow. Sue me. Thank you.**

My name is Bella Swan, and I currently hate the following;

Mother.

Arizona.

The Sun.

Clouds.

Air.

The Sky.

Airplanes.

Nagging.

Moving.

Father.

This pen.

This paper.

Don't ask me why, because to tell the honest truth, I have no idea why I'm doing this. By this, I mean leaving my mother behind in Arizona and coming to live with my Father in the most horrid little hell on this face of the earth. Yes, that's right. I'm moving to non-other than Forks, Washington. The town that never sees the sun. Where apparently it rains like it's going out of style, so you have to carry an umbrella at all times. Unless you want to be walking around like one of those wet t-shirt contest girls. ...And it's not like I have much to show off in the first place. I've always been a petite girl. I'm not very tall, or smart, or pretty. You know, the more I think about it... I hate my life. But don't worry. I won't kill myself. I'm not THAT emo.

Ah, you may ask why my parents are separated. Well, see... Mom hates the rain. So she wanted to move somewhere sunny. So I moved in with her. Because I hate the rain. But then I started to hate the sun. So when I turned seventeen, I decided I'd move back to Forks. ...Even though I hate the rain. I know what you're thinking. And it's true. I hate everything. I will never be happy. Never.

Moving on with the plot, the plane ride was nothing short of horrendous. If it wasn't for my Mother constantly nagging me, it was the kid behind me who kept kicking the seat and throwing up. Or the guy in front of me who decided that he'd snore as loud as an elephant. ...And to make matters worse? The in-flight movie was Bio-Dome. I HATE Pauly Shore.

Anyway, we finally landed after what seemed ten-thousand hours. And to tell you the truth, I was kind of disappointed. I was really hoping for a mid-air collision. Or maybe a few birds getting sucked into the engines, causing engine failure, and making the plane explode into a giant fireball and causing every to die. But apparently God loves me too much.

That's probably because he sees me like everyone else does. To them, I'm a pretty, shy, quiet girl girl who would make the perfect housewife. Yeah, right. I can't even cook! Well, I mean, I can microwave stuff. But the last time I did that, I almost set Mom's house on fire. So I'm kind of not allowed to touch microwaves or stoves anymore. ...Yeah.

All I want in life is to be accepted for what I am. I want to meet the perfect stranger, and fall madly in love with them. And then one night, make hot, passionate love with them until dawn, complete with pillows being torn apart and headboards being broken... Of course, I'd never openly admit that to anyone. No, no. I'm a good girl. I promise.

The trip from the airport to Father's home was almost as awkward as a trip to death row. We both kind of sucked at talking, which made matters worse. He'd try to start small talk, but we'd both just say one worded replies and shut up. But I wasn't expecting the next thing to come out.

_"I'm a furry."_

_"W... what?"_

_"Just kidding! But I did buy you a car."_

_"...You're kidding again, right?"_

_"Naw, I figured I'd get you something nice. And being the Forks is pretty rainy, and that I'm a copper and all... I don't think you'd want to walk around in the rain to school. And you wouldn't want to be driven to school in this old crappy copper car."_

Well, he did have a point. It's not like I'd have much of a social life in the first place, but being driven to school in a beat up cop car was just... I'd rather not think of it. Okay, so maybe my old man wasn't as bad as he seemed. This was actually sweet of him. But I'd never admit to such.

_"So, what is it?"_

_"The Batmobile!"_

_"..."_

_"...What? You gotta give me credit for trying to stay hip!"_

_"No, Dad. Just... no."_

_"Aw, okay. It's a nice, old Chevy."_

_"...How old?"_

_"It's older than you." _

Great. He got me a dinosaur truck. Now I really am going to look like a freak driving to school. I take back all the nice things I said about him. I hate him.

Did I mention how dreadfully rainy it is in Forks? Because it really is. The rain was so bad you could hardly see what was infront of you. I secretly wished for a deer to run in front of us. Then I wouldn't have to worry about driving to school in a piece of trash. Why do you love me so, God? Why? What good have I done to deserve this? I'm starting to hate you, too.

We finally made it home and Dad helped me carry my things up to my old room. Yes, the same room I stayed in when we lived here so many years ago. And it was pretty much untouched. ...Which also meant it was ungodly dusty. Too bad I'm not allergic to dust. I could have died in my sleep.

Father was smart enough to leave me to myself while I unpacked. I went through old photobooks that Mother had ever so cleverly hidden away in my unmentionables. ...They only served to depress me more. I was such a cute little girl. What the hell happened to me? Going through my clothes, I also noted how much I hated them. Mainly because Mother picked them all out. And because Yellow really isn't my color.

The one thing that really, absolutely bothered me about this house was the fact that there was only one bathroom. Dwell on that for a moment. A middle-aged guy and a teenage girl sharing a single bathroom. Did you not just imagine how disgusting that is? I dread going in there after him. Lord knows how much hair will be clogging up the shower drains. Ugh.

I sighed as I stared out my window. I could see the whole town from here. Or rather, I would. If it were a normal town, where it didn't rain all day and night, with fog rolling in like a tentacle from one of those perverted Japanese comics. I was starting to feel claustrophobic, so I decided to try and get some rest for the night.

As I laid there, my mind couldn't help but wonder how my first day would be like. To be truthful, I was frightened to death. Unlike Generic Arizona High, with it's million of students of which I could easily hide in the crowds without being seen, Forks only had a grand total of four-hundred and forty-eight students. Well, fourty-nine, now. It would kind of be impossible to be ignored here. I hate school already. But what good, growing teenager doesn't?

And then I thought, maybe this wouldn't be so bad... if I looked like the girl from Arizona everyone expected. With her tanned skin from being out in the hot, blistering sun. With her sun-flowery hair that flowed freely in the wind. And with that sweet, valley girl voice of hers. I'd be able to actually fit in here! I mean, this place was obviously brimming full of preppies. I hate preppies. And jocks. And cheerleaders. And plastics. And nerds. And stoners. And, well, every niche. If I couldn't fit in with a school that had over a billion people, there was no way I would fit in with a mere three-hundred.

Sleep never came easy for me. Because I'm such a tormented soul. My thoughts wander aimlessly throughout my head, leading me to places that I really wish it wouldn't. Why can't I be beautiful? Why can't I find true love? Someone that will dazzle me all the time? Why can't I have a puppy!? I think I may have actually started crying at one point. I hate crying. Did I mention I hate the rain? The rain that kept thumping against my window, like it was purposely trying to ruin my sleep. Bastard rain.

The rain must have finally stopped, because a few hours later I awoke to the smell of bacon. ...One would normally question why they would smell bacon when they woke up, right? I had to go and investigate, like any good detective. ...Not that I'm a detective. Of course, I got dressed first.

Apparently my Father isn't as useless as I had thought. He actually cooked breakfast. A full course meal. Eggs, bacon, hash-browns, and biscuits. I was surprised, and found myself admiring him more than I really should. It didn't hurt that it actually tasted good. Especially compared to Mother's cooking. I swear that bitch was trying to poison me.

I said my goodbyes and then went out to meet my horrible new piece of junk.

....

...

...

_"It's beautiful!"_

It really was. It was such a small truck, but it was cute. And it didn't have a single dent or scratch on it. Almost as if it had been perfectly preserved for all these years. Okay, this day really was off to a good start. ...But only if it would actually turn on.

And it did! Thank you, God. I'd be doomed from the start if my Dad has to drive me to school in his little police issued piece of junk. And this even had a working radio, to my delight. This meant I wouldn't have to listen to the little voices in my head anymore! Turning on one of the local radio stations, I bumped down along the road on my way to hell-- I mean, school.

I circled around the school for at least five minutes. Because I wasn't sure where to park, really. Finally, I just picked a random spot and made my way to the only door with a sign. The front office. The receptionist was one of those way-too-happy-for-their-own-good types. I merely said my name and she handed me all sorts of papers and maps and chocolate mints and the like.

I left there a bit more dazed and confused than I had gone in, really. I put everything away except for the map and wandered around aimlessly for the better part of the half hour before finally finding my first class, slowly shuffling in like everyone else.

Mr. Mason made me sit at the back of the class. Normally I wouldn't have minded this, but everyone in the back row was rather... well. They didn't look too hygienic. It kind of grossed me out. I'd have to be sure to bring Lysol with me tomorrow. Mr. Mason droned on and on while I seriously considered how many ways I could easily off myself, before being saved by the bell. Some annoying kid named Eric decided to try and flirt with me, and then offered to walk me to my next class. I only accepted because it beat having to wander around like a lost sheep for thirty minutes again.

Of course, he asked a bunch of stupid questions.

_"So, you're from Arizona, huh? How's that like?" _

_"Sunny and miserable."_

_"You don't look that tan."_

_"...No, really? I thought you'd never make it here in time, Captain Obvious!"_

I really hated this kid. More for the fact that he was probably thinking about serveral hundred ways he'd like to molest me at this very moment. It made me shudder in horror. I finally arrived and took my seat after getting the stupid teacher approval sheet signed. Another boring class with another boring teacher and the same boring kids. This was going to be a long year. A very, very long year.

Finally, it was time for lunch. My FAVORITE subject. No, I'm kidding. It doesn't count as a subject. But it would be nice if the cafeteria food wasn't as horrible as my last school's. And thankfully, it wasn't. I was trying to enjoy my lunch with the seven awkward strangers I had met over the course of my first few classes... but suddenly I was distracted by... them.

Them, referring the small table in the corner of the cafeteria. A corner so... dark and lonely. As if separated from the rest of the world. There were five of them in total, and none of them were eating. Despite having full trays of food in front of them. And they weren't talking. Or even looking at each other. It was almost like they were zoned out. ...Maybe these were the stoners? But, no. There was something else strange about them. Yes. All of them were impossibly beautiful. They all had such light skin that it made me, the albino, look like Wesley Snipes in comparison. But it wasn't that they were so pale. Their skin seemed to... sparkle. Almost like a sparkly diamond. I suppose body glitter on girls wouldn't be so odd, but on the guys, too? They also shared the same dark eyes. They looked so lonely, despite being together. And they had shadows under their eyes. As if they had been up many nights in a row, possibly having wild, crazy sex parties. Or something. Oh gee, I hope they didn't mine me staring for so long.

I asked one of the girls whom I was sitting with, just who they were. She didn't seem to understand, and I nodded in their direction. An almost sadistic smile crept up on her lips.

_"You mean the CULLENS?"_

...She did that on purpose. That bitch. All five of the beautiful creatures looked over to us, if only for a brief second before going back to whatever the hell they were going. ...And I felt like I was dying. Those gazes. I was all hot and bothered and I didn't understand why. Oh God, if you have any mercy, kill me now. Please. I can't live with myself any longer. They really were inhumanly beautiful. Especially that boy with the copper hair. He was like something out of a dirty little fantasy.

I came to find out from... Rosa? Maria? Mary? Miranda? Whatever the hell her name was, that the Cullens, despite looking nothing alike, are actually siblings. Siblings in the sense they they all live in the same house. With a doctor. Who adopted them. And moved to Forks about two years ago. From Alaska. ...

I think I hate them. They are impossibly beautiful. They get to be by themselves. They got to live in Alaska with polar bears and penguins. I bet they even have puppies. I couldn't stand it. It just isn't fair!

_"All of them are together, too."_

_"Whoa, what? Isn't that technically incest?"_

_"Well, since they're all adopted..."_

_"But there's five of them! They wouldn't..."_

_"Oh, Edward doesn't date."_

I noted how she hissed that last line. Aha! So she has been shot down by the almighty Edward Cullen. Well, I already knew I'd never have a chance in hell of hooking up with someone as beautiful as him in the first place. ...But it still hurt. I may have even become slightly more depressed. It wasn't fair. Not in the least bit. I hate this. I hate this place. I hate the rain. I hate their beauty. I hate this fork. And this apple. The chocolate milk is good, though.

Without warning, they all began to leave. One by one, struting off like models on the catwalk. It only made me all the more jealous. I stayed silent for the rest of lunch, listening to all the boring conversations around me, trying to finish off my lunch before the bell rang.

It was time for my third class. I once again spent what seemed like half an hour trying to find the damnable room. Biology, with... with... with...

...Why? Why, God? Why was he here? Why? What wrong have I done? Why? And as luck would have it, the only seat avalible was RIGHT next to him. After getting my papers and book from the teacher, I made my way over to the seat and decided to at least try and be friendly by waving or something. His response didn't thrill me. He actually leaned as far away from me as he could. Was I really that repulsive? I took a moment to smell my hair. Strawberries, nothing that wasn't innocent. ...Maybe he just doesn't like strawberries? It was that moment that I realized that he wasn't human.

I mean, everyone loves strawberries. Everyone. Even Father.

I cleverly watched him through my hair during the length of class. He never once moved. Not even once. ...It didn't even seem like he was breathing. That kind of disturbed me. And turned me on for reason I can't explain.

The bell finally rang and Edward was the first one to bolt out. I didn't even notice how tall he was until them. Must've been 6'4" or something. God, I love tall guys. Anyways, just as I was about to leave, I was greeted by a baby-faced boy apparently named Mike. I don't know why, but I got the feeling that this Mike guy was going to be annoying me for the better part of my year here. He offered to walk me to Gym. I already knew where it was, but... he was actually the kindest person I've met today. So I took his offer. We talked about stupid little things all throughout gym while watching a few games of Volley-Ball and Basketball. Eventually, the bell rang and I could finally relax. I was actually looking forward to going home for once. This day had been long and tiresom--

Oh, right. I had to turn in all those papers to the front office before leaving. Great. I made my way over to the cozy little room and felt something not so right about the air around me. ...And I was right. He was standing there, in all of his beauty. Arguing with the poor receptionist. ...And of course, what was it he was arguing with her about? He wanted to switch out of Biology. I can't believe it. He hates me so much, and all I did was look at him? I can't help but feel utterly offended.

And then he turned around. He turned around and gave me a glare that I swear sent sharp knives into every inch of my body. I couldn't move. I couldn't think. I felt helpless as he walked out like a raging bull of sorts. It took me a few minutes to recollect myself and turn in the papers to the receptionist. She asked how my first day was, I lied. She didn't believe me anyways.

Sigh. It was finally time to go home. ...I took a few moments to reflect on what had just happened. I... I couldn't grasp it at all. Why, why did this ungodly beautiful boy hate me? Why did I feel like I was going to melt when he glared daggers through me? And why was I crying? I tried to shrug off the annoying feeling as the engine came roaring back to life, and I was off on the road again.

**And that's the first chapter. How horrible was it? You tell me!**

**I mean, it's not like it could be any worse than the original, right?**

**....Right? **

**Why am I even subjecting myself to this type of pain? I must be pretty damn masochistic.**

**Oh well, until next time!**


End file.
